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  • Writer's pictureAti Egas

A Self-Abandonment Story

I want to share about self-abandonment today because I feel it in my body.

Self-abandonment can be described as the practice of abandoning, shrinking, leaving, dishonoring or disrespecting parts of ourselves. By parts of ourselves I mean: our time, our bodies, our beliefs, our intuition — any part of OUR self. I have another article on self-honoring.

Self-abandonment is a bodily sensation that feels heavy at the pit of my stomach and a closing of my throat chakra, making it hard to speak about it. I made a video on this topic earlier and I struggled to make the words come out. This is how self-abandonment feels in my body.

The body keeps the score is the famous line by psychiatrist and author Bessel van der Kolk. My body certainly kept the score of an event that occurred at the age of eighteen. I was in college, living with roommates, and just living that “college life.” One day, I had an intimate, exploratory encounter with someone; it was not sexual abuse, but it was also not pleasant nor pleasurable. I clearly remember not wanting to be there. My body did not want to be there. Yet, I did not leave. I did not listen to a part of MY self at that moment. Many years later, my body still remembered that I had a moment of self-abandonment.

  • Self-abandonment comes in many shapes and sizes. Big and small moments.

  • Self-abandonment is the bodily sensation that tells you that something is a No, yet you don’t stop to honor that No.

  • Self-abandonment is the inner knowing that something is not in your highest good, yet you go ahead and dishonor one of your values.

  • Self-abandonment can look like a marriage you did not want to be in.

  • Self-abandonment can look like downplaying your skills just to be liked or accepted.

The beauty of becoming aware of your moments of self-abandonment is that now you can give compassion to the shrunken or abandoned parts of yourself. You can now act from a place of honoring a No when your body says No. And you can work towards telling your story without shame or guilt.

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